Confessions of a Control Freak

I came crashing through 2015, successfully navigating a year of craziness and tumult.  2016 dawned and I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking the mayhem was over and now things might settle down a bit.  I made a plan.  I would simplify.  Slow down.  Focus on what I love.  Maybe even nap once in awhile.

Want to know how to make God laugh?  Tell Her your plans.

Sure enough, the universe had other plans.  Within a week of the new year my life began to move in fast forward.  A new job, more clients,  new partnership opportunities, added volunteer commitments and on and on…. the big wheel keeps on spinning, faster and faster.  It is exhilarating, but when the heck do I get to nap?

And then the other shoe dropped.  My American Husband got laid off.  His job, linked just a bit too closely to the oil industry, is on temporary hiatus.  Or it may be permanent.  We won’t know for a few months.

After regaining our breath from this particular  sucker punch, the voice of reason kicked in.  We talked about what a great opportunity this may turn out to be.  This could be the perfect time to recreate our lives!  We could start a business… write a screenplay… maybe sell everything and become RV nomads, wandering the continental North America in search of adventure, or whatever comes our way.

Or maybe the Great Divine has something else in mind.  The lesson buried in this is one I have been facing over and over in the past several years.  And for a control freak like me, it is a challenging one.

I need to learn to trust.

That’s right.  I need to let go and just trust that something better is on its way.  My ego loves to step in and start organizing, managing options, making lists and flow charts, and basically giving the Universe my versions of how things should turn out.  We’ve come upon a blind corner on our life’s journey and I really want to figure out what is around the bend.

But I need to let all of that go.  I need to trust.

Oh shut up, voice-of-reason!  What do you know?

Just let it go.  Let it go….. (you can’t see me right now, but I am humming and swaying, hands in zen meditation mudras)

So I will do my best to let go and trust that things are breaking apart now so that they can come back together bigger, stronger, better than before.  I will trust that we are being guided to the next big thing.  Life is a constant flow of change and growth, and even though I can’t see around the corner, I know that this time of uncertainty holds treasures that I am already grateful for.

Because I can trust.

No you can’t.

Shh.  Yes I can.

This is me.  Letting go.

Letting Go

Image by the uber-talented Joel Robison
Image by the uber-talented Joel Robison

In this journey of discovery I have lately been getting a message over and over.  It is all about letting go.  I am not yet sure what it is I am to let go, but I am heeding the message.  Listening to the whispers, that’s where it’s at.  To that end I would like to share my most recent whisper.

A friend of this blog recently cited this parable from Illusions – The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach.  I was guided to reread it, to refresh my memory.  The words seemed to jump off the page and do a little dance in front of me.

Okay okay, Universe I get it.  I am listening.

If you haven’t read this book, I encourage you all to find a copy to call your own.  You will want to read it over and over, as I have.  Each new reading brings another layer to light.

Illusions_Richard_Bach

Letting Go

From Illusions, the Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

By Richard Bach

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all – young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks at the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, ‘I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.’

The other creatures laughed and said, ‘Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you shall die quicker than boredom!’

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, ‘See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!’

And the one carried in the current said, ‘I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.’

But they cried the more, ‘Saviour!’ all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a Saviour.

A Feather on the Breath of God

“There is the Music of Heaven in all things and we have forgotten how to hear it until we sing.”  Hildegard of Bingen

I’ve got a secret. 

I have been coming out of the spiritual closet incrementally for a few years now.  Sure, it all began with a pretty big splash.  Dr. Wayne Dyer received my letter and was moved by it enough that he asked to publish it in his book Wishes Fulfilled.  Millions of people have now read about my experience, and happily most of those people are strangers.  Because of this letter I had to show my immediate family just how high my freak flag can fly.   Luckily, it turns out that most of my relatives have had similar experiences and once I opened the dialogue to the weird and wonderful, their stories have come out as well.  I can’t begin to tell you how happy that has made me.

But since that big splash it has been baby steps, just showing a little bit of my crazy at a time.  It is a bit like walking into a cold lake, slowly easing into the depths so that I can get used to the temperature a little bit at a time.  Ankle deep, feet didn’t freeze off?  Excellent, now let’s see about these knees.  Lately I’ve been thinking, why not go all in?  What have I got to lose, really?  So….

<takes a deep breath and……………. *SPLASH*>

Secret #1:

I see dead people.

Okay I don’t typically see them, though that has happened on a few memorable occasions (for instance once I was at a friend’s house enjoying some live entertainment by a bunch of theatre alumni.  I looked up and saw her deceased husband watching the kids singing.  He had such a huge smile on his face!  Amazing.) 

But mostly I just hear them, only not with my ears, if you get what I’m saying.  I hear them in my mind, their voices very distinctly their own.  Usually they are there to say “hey, things are great here, don’t worry about me” and sometimes they bring very specific messages.  I have sometimes shared the message with the person it is meant for, but a lot of times I haven’t.  I regret that.  I regret that I let my own fears of being judged stop me from relaying messages that might have brought some comfort to the recipient. 

So from this moment forward I vow to you and to myself that I will relay whatever messages come my way.  No more regrets.

Secret #2:

I see Angels.

I don’t understand why it is that this confession makes me feel the most vulnerable but this is one I’ve kept close to myself with a very few exceptions.  Perhaps it is the linear thinking cynic that still lurks in my brain.  Perhaps it is because I wasn’t raised with any sort of religious structure so to believe in such things must be ludicrous, right? 

Whatever the reason, I will share with you now that I see Angels, sometime as visual specters and sometimes I see them with my mind’s eye.  I know that Archangel Michael stands behind my daughter and has done her whole life.  I see Archangel Gabriel sitting with me when I write.  I have seen four angels surrounding a very dear friend of mine, holding her arms and legs, not so much to hold her up as to keep her from flying away.  Sometimes I sense they are near and see sparkles of different colored lights. 

A few years ago after they became quite vivid in my experience, I decided to ask for a definite, without-a-doubt sign that they were actually real and not just the workings of my over arching imagination. 

My family and I were heading to the beach that day.  I was in a playful mood and just before leaving I said out loud, “Angels, bring me a $5 bill today.  Have somebody place it in my hand before the end of the day.”  This may not seem like much of a test to some of you, but for me it was a pretty challenging task for my Angel buddies.  You see, I never carry cash and always use debit for any purchase.  For me to be handed $5 would literally have to be “pennies from Heaven”.  Plus, we were going to the beach.  What were the chances?

I truly believed they could pull this off.  I suppose that was the key.

My American Husband and I had been out for a swim and were walking back toward the shore.  I kept looking to the sky because there was this one amazing cloud that looked just like a giant Angel wing.  I was laughing to myself, thinking ‘You sneaky Angels.  Nice sign, now show me the money’.  I looked down and saw something strange in the water.  My American Husband had seen it too and reached down to grab it. 

It was a $10 bill. 

I laughed out loud and reached for it, but he pulled it out of my reach.  I explained to him that this was my $10 bill because I had asked the Angels for $5 and they were obviously being generous. 

“No this is my $10 bill.  If you wanted $10 you should have asked for $10”.

We kidded and joked for the afternoon, enjoying the sunshine.  I kept checking the sky to see if the angel cloud had blown off, but it stayed right where it was the whole time.  I could almost hear those mischievous cherubs laughing.

After a few more hours we packed up and went home.  As we were leaving I took a photograph of the cloud.  I never wanted to forget this day, or this sign.  When we got home, my American Husband came up to me as I was unpacking the cooler.  He held out his hand to me and in it was a crisp $5 bill.  Placing it in my hand, he said, “There.  The Angels said to give you half”.

Boom.  Well done, Angels! 

I still have the $5.  I never wanted to spend such an amazing, miraculous gift.

I talk to the Angels now, everyday.  I ask them for help with just about everything.  I look for and find their signs and guidance in all sorts of places.  It has changed the way I walk through life.  I never feel alone, and I know that I am always supported.  And if I listen very closely, sometimes I can hear them singing….

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong, I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on”.

Secret #3

I have had visitations from Ascended Masters.

The first time it happened I was meditating.  I was fairly new to the process and was getting quite adept at emptying out all of the noise.  On this particular night I was sitting and really digging the stillness.   Then something weird started happening.  I could “see”, floating right in front of me, a woman.  She looked like some sort of Buddhist or Hindu statue, like a goddess,  and she was just hovering there in front of me.  I tried to make her go away, following my breath and silently chanting Om Mani Padme Hum, the mantra I had read about online.  But instead of going away, she came closer, reaching out her hand and touching it to my heart. I felt instantly flooded with love, so much so that tears began to run down my face.  Alright, I decided.  Let’s just go with it.

“Who are you?” 

Immediately, loudly, this line from a song played in my brain: “Flowers in her hair. Flowers everywhere.”

Well that doesn’t help me at all.  So I turned to the greatest spiritual tool I had at that time, Google, and started searching.  I knew what she looked like and that there was something about flowers in her hair so I began by searching images.  It took me very little time to find her, God love Google.  She was Quan Yin.  I had never heard of her and figured that if she was going to show up for me in a meditation I’d better study up to see if she was bringing me some sort of message. 

Turns out she is a Bodhisattva (literally a Being of Enlightenment) who, according to legend decided to forgo the bliss of Nirvana and hang around humanity to help us fulfill our own divine plans.  She is an Ascended Master associated with the lotus flower and unbeknownst to me at the time, Om Mani Padme Hum roughly translates to “Hail the Jewel in the Lotus” and is used by devotees to call Quan Yin for assistance.

I’m not gonna lie to you.  It was a pretty awesome experience. 

She was the first Ascended Master and since then I have had a few more.  Buddha showed up once during my Reiki attunement.  And not long ago a fellow who called himself Yeshua began dropping by during my morning meditations. 

Then there is the White Dolphin.  He has come to me in lucid dreams in the past few weeks.  I am not sure who or what he is, but I know that every visit feels like a visit from heaven.  Pure, divine love. 

Maybe I am not meant to understand everything. Maybe magic and mysticism are the keys that open the door to better understanding.  All I know is that these moments have been sacred, playful, comforting and enlightening.  I’ve gone beyond disbelief and cynicism and embraced the gifts that these visions have brought to my life.  With each new experience I am broadened, deepened, filled in and awakened. 

Speaking of Ascended Masters, my friend Joan sent me a quote yesterday by St. Francis of Assisi.  “It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching”.  I hadn’t heard that one before and it resounded loudly.  I have known for some time that I needed to share everything, or at least to stop hiding it.  I don’t expect to change anyone’s belief system or to convert anyone to mine.  I only want to speak my truth and walk my path fearlessly. 

One last Secret:

I have complete faith that this information will be found and embraced by the people who are open to receive it.  That is the greatest part of “letting go and letting God”.  Simply trusting.