Confessions of a Control Freak

I came crashing through 2015, successfully navigating a year of craziness and tumult.  2016 dawned and I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking the mayhem was over and now things might settle down a bit.  I made a plan.  I would simplify.  Slow down.  Focus on what I love.  Maybe even nap once in awhile.

Want to know how to make God laugh?  Tell Her your plans.

Sure enough, the universe had other plans.  Within a week of the new year my life began to move in fast forward.  A new job, more clients,  new partnership opportunities, added volunteer commitments and on and on…. the big wheel keeps on spinning, faster and faster.  It is exhilarating, but when the heck do I get to nap?

And then the other shoe dropped.  My American Husband got laid off.  His job, linked just a bit too closely to the oil industry, is on temporary hiatus.  Or it may be permanent.  We won’t know for a few months.

After regaining our breath from this particular  sucker punch, the voice of reason kicked in.  We talked about what a great opportunity this may turn out to be.  This could be the perfect time to recreate our lives!  We could start a business… write a screenplay… maybe sell everything and become RV nomads, wandering the continental North America in search of adventure, or whatever comes our way.

Or maybe the Great Divine has something else in mind.  The lesson buried in this is one I have been facing over and over in the past several years.  And for a control freak like me, it is a challenging one.

I need to learn to trust.

That’s right.  I need to let go and just trust that something better is on its way.  My ego loves to step in and start organizing, managing options, making lists and flow charts, and basically giving the Universe my versions of how things should turn out.  We’ve come upon a blind corner on our life’s journey and I really want to figure out what is around the bend.

But I need to let all of that go.  I need to trust.

Oh shut up, voice-of-reason!  What do you know?

Just let it go.  Let it go….. (you can’t see me right now, but I am humming and swaying, hands in zen meditation mudras)

So I will do my best to let go and trust that things are breaking apart now so that they can come back together bigger, stronger, better than before.  I will trust that we are being guided to the next big thing.  Life is a constant flow of change and growth, and even though I can’t see around the corner, I know that this time of uncertainty holds treasures that I am already grateful for.

Because I can trust.

No you can’t.

Shh.  Yes I can.

This is me.  Letting go.

I’m Giving Up

giving up

I’m done.  I’ve had it.   I am giving up.

That’s right.  Giving up.

Don’t bother trying to talk me out of it because my mind is made up.

I’m giving up worrying about what others think of me.

I’m giving up my fear of failure.  And my fear of success.

I’m giving up self-doubt, self-criticism, self-consciousness and anything but self-love.

I’m giving up making excuses.

I’m giving up procrastinating.  Tomorrow.  No, just kidding.  I’m giving up procrastinating right now.

I’m giving up competition, envy and jealousy.

I’m giving up being afraid of what the future might bring.

I’m giving up the regrets I have from my past.

Most of all, I’m giving up all of the barriers I have built between me and the life of my dreams.

By giving up I embrace a life lived with abandon, a life fraught with coulds instead of shoulds, a life  that is finally, truly lived.

Care to join me?


3 Keys to a Fully Abundant Life

We all want what we want when we want it.  We don’t want to wait and we don’t want to settle.  So why is it, when we all have this handy dandy Law of Attraction at our disposal, that we seem to get ourselves into situations that surprise us with their level of suckiness?

How do these bad things happen to us?   We are nice people!  We are spiritually enlightened, dammit!  And we’ve read all of the books!

And yet, we still manage to paint ourselves into some tricky corners with our manifesting.  We use our visualizations and intentions to create these situations for ourselves and what we had hoped would bring  the keys to our kingdom brings the keys to our prison cell instead.  And those keys to our freedom are just ever so slightly out of reach.

So how do we get ourselves back on track?  What is the way to freedom?

Funny, I asked myself that very question this morning.  Here’s the answer that came to me in what I can only describe as a rush if divine inspiration that had me trying to type with one hand while struggling into a pair of tights with the other.  Wouldn’t want to be late for my dream job now, would I?  (does this font make me look sarcastic?)

1.)  The Key to Clear Intention

Getting really clear about what you want is a bit tricky.  See, it’s important to separate the thing from the feeling that you are seeking in the having of the thing.  For instance, if you want to get yourself a new job, instead of doing this:

 I want to work at Ain’t It Great To Be Alive boutique, because it will be way more fun, fulfilling and people are nicer there.

Try this instead:

 ·         I want a new job because this job is not fulfilling and my boss is an ass-hat.

·         I want a new job that lets me be more creative

·         I want a new job that is more fun

·         I want to have more freedom

·         I want to be as excited waking up on Monday morning as I am waking up on Saturday.  I want every day to feel as full of promise as the weekend does.

Boil it down to what feeling you are seeking, then set your intention around that.

I intend to have a job that brings as much excitement and promise to each work day as I feel on my weekends.  

Wow, now doesn’t that sound better?  Because what if you put all of your manifesting mojo into getting the job at Ain’t It Great To Be Alive boutique, only to find that it is the 10th level of hell and the people who work there are soul sucking minions who have pink hair and wear way too much perfume?  Because that can happen.  Trust me on this one.

Boil it down.  Let go of the attachment to details so that you can clearly identify the feeling experience you are hoping to manifest, and then set your intention on that.  The details are far better left to the Experts.

 <Looks pointedly at the sky.  Receives celestial thumbs up>  Phew!

2.)  The Key to Appreciation

The weather outside is dark and gloomy.  We drive to work in the dark, go home in the dark, and in between we work in  small, fluorescent caves  while people all around go about their business, all the while singing “Look down, look down, don’t look him in the eye…”  Winter has been here for at least 18 months, and there are still two months to go.  We long to see something green, or hear a bird sing.

And now we are supposed to find stuff to appreciate?  How?  Sure it’s easy to be grateful when things are great.  It’s when we are stuck in that proverbial corner that we really need to amp up the appreciation.  We need to dig deep people.  We can do this thing.

Here.  I’ll start.

·         Okay.  The sunrise was really red and pretty this morning, way off in the distance.  Kind of made me feel hopeful.  I appreciate the beauty of that moment.

Hmm.  What else?  This shouldn’t be so difficult, should it?  I must be seeing things through wintery goggles.  When all else fails I turn to food, for which I am unapologetically passionate.

·         The Hot Mess Pasta from the Pedal And Tap Restaurant was fantastic last night… and there are leftovers in the fridge for lunch.  Yes!  Appreciate!!

·         I found Zevia in our local big box store for 3.99 a six pack.  Cheap and healthy soda?  Yes!  Appreciate!!

·         I just found a peanut butter cup chocolate bar (FULL SIZED) that I had hidden in my desk a few weeks ago.  Oh YES!! APPRECIATE!!!

·      And Friday is only three days away.  Fridays is donut day.  Mmmmm Appreciate.

The times when it is most challenging to find those things to appreciate are the times when it is most important that we do.  There is no other way out of that prison.  We can whine and complain, berate and bitch all we want, and while that can feel really, really (extremely) satisfying in the moment, it will do nothing but reinforce our cage bars.

Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate.  Then do it a bit more.  Fake it until we make it if we need to.  And remember, chocolate always helps.  So does wine.

3.)  The Key to Letting Go.

Forgive me in advance for the earworm I am about to gift many of you.  But our next step is simply:

Let it go.

That’s right.

Let it go.

Every shred of doubt, every fear, every need to control the outcome, every compulsion to ask over and over and over again for the same thing, every belief we hold that tells us we need to deserve it,  every block we have to receiving and even every wistful hope and dream that feels right, but that keeps the key just out of our reach.  All of it.  Let. It. Go.

Our job now is to trust that the Universe will provide.  It will all happen in the perfect way and at the perfect time.  Nothing that we can plan will come close to the magnificence that the Divine has in store for us.  And all we need to do?  That’s right.  Let it go.

Catchy little tune, isn’t it?

A fully abundant life is the stuff that dreams are made of.  Whatever that looks like for you, it is my hope and prayer that you find it.  And just to be on the safe side, remember that it never hurts to add these few magic words to any intention you make:

This or something better in accordance with the highest good for all.

And so it is.

<Looks skyward.   Celestial high fives all around.>

Great Success!

The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Week


The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Week

Ever have one of those weeks?  It starts off innocently enough.  You get up, go through the motions, get ready so that you can get to work on time.  Things are going along as they always do, a routine so mundane and boring you could pretty much sleep-walk through the whole thing.

Then… OUCH!

Oh dangit.  A papercut.  Ahh well, it isn’t that bad.  I will just go find a bandage.  You dig the box of bandages out from the back of the cupboard and as you are opening the box… OUCH!!  An even bigger papercut, this time from the bandage box.

And then it starts.  The phone rings.  It’s Dad, saying Mom is in the hospital with a nasty, serious, scary something that they can’t yet say what it might be.  Just that it is something terrible.

My first inclination is to jump on the plane and get over there.  But wait!  I have this new job that requires I show up to it.  (Grown up responsibilities and all that nonsenses).  I fuss and fret, commiserate with the siblings and my younger sister (let’s call her Seester)  shuffles her stuff and announces she will head there in the morning.  Phew!  That helps.  Seester is awesome and capable.  I can relax a bit.

Soooo hi ho, hi ho.  Off to work I go.

Have you ever crossed paths with someone who seemed intent on your demise?  You know the type… a mere whisper of her name and you hear horses neighing in terror.  This person has 007 style laser beams in her eyes and can actually cut limbs off with a simple stare.  She breathes fire and steals souls.  She eats puppies for breakfast.

Well maybe not the puppies.  But the rest is true, I swear.

For whatever reason this person became a part of my life this past week.  I had to deal with her (there was no escape), but seriously after a few run ins with Frau Blucher (n-n-e-i-g-hhhh) I was ready to find me a hidey-hole and… well, HIDE.

But you know me.  I’m a fake it til you make it kind of gal.  I firmly affix the smile that tells the world, Frau Blucher included (n-n-e-i-g-hhhh) that I am rising above the shit they are handing me.  I can do this.  Don’t they know that  I Am Spiritual?

And then the email comes.  Dad is in the hospital now too.  More big ugly scary stuff?  Who knows?  They will do tests and more tests, meanwhile wheeling Mom down to Emergency to visit him.
Maybe I’ll just sit right here in my rocking chair.  Like worry, it will get me nowhere, but it will give me something to do.

And then the text comes.  “Hi Mom.  I know it is the middle of winter and the dark of night, but the car broke down and we are in the middle of nowhere.  Stranded.  And I’m pretty sure I just saw some guy in a goalie mask holding a chain saw.  Maybe he can help us 🙂 “

Just keep rocking back and forth.  Back and forth.  Back and …… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

That sound you just heard?  My head exploding.

As it turned out, Emily got home safe and sound, my Dad’s tests were all fine, Mom is on the mend and Frau Blucher (n-n-e-i-g-hhhh)?  Well, I am still working on that one.

Basically all of that worry was for naught.   Story of my life, though one I am intent on changing:  I build mountains in my mind, have them tumbling down, taking out whole villages and sinking into the earth, a massive pile of destruction and mayhem, when in reality, all they add up to is just a few bumps in the road.  And with this, as in all things, I tend to find the lesson after the fact.

So what did I learn from the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Week?  I learned a little bit more about letting go, about trusting, about giving control over to the highest power.  I learned that while worry almost never helps, humor always does.  I learned that when I decide I know what is best, I end up in a situation where I am having to deal with a very loud and vocal representation that “OH NO YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S BEST” in the form of Frau (n-n-e-i-g-hhhh) Blucher, who continues to ever so gently guide me back to the right path.

Bumpy week, but all in all a week I am very grateful for.  Sometimes those little nudges from the Universe seem bigger than they are.  Hindsight being what it is, I’d have to revise my opinion and say that it was really The Learning, Growing, Letting Go and Trusting Week.

Boy am I glad it’s over.

Letting Go

Image by the uber-talented Joel Robison
Image by the uber-talented Joel Robison

In this journey of discovery I have lately been getting a message over and over.  It is all about letting go.  I am not yet sure what it is I am to let go, but I am heeding the message.  Listening to the whispers, that’s where it’s at.  To that end I would like to share my most recent whisper.

A friend of this blog recently cited this parable from Illusions – The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach.  I was guided to reread it, to refresh my memory.  The words seemed to jump off the page and do a little dance in front of me.

Okay okay, Universe I get it.  I am listening.

If you haven’t read this book, I encourage you all to find a copy to call your own.  You will want to read it over and over, as I have.  Each new reading brings another layer to light.


Letting Go

From Illusions, the Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

By Richard Bach

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all – young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks at the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, ‘I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.’

The other creatures laughed and said, ‘Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you shall die quicker than boredom!’

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, ‘See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!’

And the one carried in the current said, ‘I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.’

But they cried the more, ‘Saviour!’ all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a Saviour.