Past Life Tourist: Remembering Love

waiting

I coax no fish today. There will be a hollow in my stomach as I have run out of brown food and the winter months continue long past the time that spring is meant to appear. It is chance and good favor that I still have the keg of strong rice wine half full. The comforting haze helps to hide the pain of hunger and it takes me far away from this barren waste of my life. No wife to warm my ger, no daughter to cook and sing for me. Both gone, one in death, one to warm the furs of her husband’s ger.  She is Least wife of five but still sheltered by the wealth of the warrior husband who chose her. Who took her from me.

She will eat well tonight, and each night. She will never know the pain of being alone, for she is now part of a clan that is full of women who call her sister, and their children who set upon her lap and play with her hair. Her brown eyes are soft and there is no crease upon her brow. At night as I collapse in my stupor beside the dying embers I sometimes hear her voice among the others as it is carried by the wind to my ears. Happy. She is happy.

Nohai came to my dream world again last night. Dancing for me by the light of a fire, she enticed me with her nearness, and left me gutted as she abandoned me once more. How many times has she taken me as I sleep, only to discard me at the light of day?  My body longs to join her in the spirit world, but each day I awake alone, again to face a cruel day.

Cold breath clouds around me.  I feel the stiff frozen hair on my face and wipe it clear with my bare hand.  Taking my stick I break the thin skiff of ice that has formed over my fishing hole.  I see others standing on the field of ice, watching holes, some with tell tale splashes of red in the snow.  They will eat tonight.  As I stare into the blackness of the water I see no fish, no movement.  I will not.

My body craves the burn of wine and I decide to give this day to the fish.  I stretch my eyes across the frozen sea and watch as the sun wanes low in the sky.  Far in the distance there is movement, as if a person walks from the open sea toward me.  My eyes squint and I try to focus.   It is impossible.  Yet she is there.

She walks toward me, the colorful embroidery of her boqtaq unmistakable.  It is Nohai! I begin to walk to her, arms outstretched.  She smiles and I see the familiar red glow of her cheeks, looking so vibrant and alive, not the grey sunken woman I laid in the ground.  The ice thins beneath my feet but I am without fear.  I reach to her and begin to shuffle faster.  Ice crackles and moans and water begins to rise into my steps.

“Batu-dai!  Batu-dai!” My name circles my ears like a black fly.  I swat it away, running toward Nohai.

“Stop Batu-dai!” Many shouts slow my feet and I finally turn toward the sound.  They have gathered at the shore, men and women of the village and they all call to me.  I see Nokaijin, my daughter among them.  She waves her arms at me.

I turn back to Nohai.

She is gone.

I slow my feet to a stop.  I sink within the ice and feel the frigid waters seep.  There is a moan and crack.  The sea intends to claim me.  I turn and slowly walk through the crumbling ice, sinking and soaking so that my skin is numbed with the cold.  I walk faster as the cold brings the return of my senses and begin to stumble and run, ice smashing open behind me to the blackness of the winter sea.

I fall and slip into the sea.  My body sinks below the surface.  I am swallowed by the depths.

I do not rage and fight but simply allow  the weight of my wet furs to pull me downward.  I look above me, following the last bubbles as they escape my nose and mouth and see the far distant light of the sinking winter sun.  I expel my air and wait for Nohai.

Fierce hands grab me and I am dragged up and out of the water.  I am pulled to shore and surrounded by villagers, all speaking at once, shouting orders and instructions.  My son in law carries me to Nokaijin’s ger and my wet clothes are stripped.  Wrapped in fresh furs and set by a warm fire I am joined by the elders who sit with me and smoke.  They do not speak of what has happened.  They speak of great hunts we have led, great battles we have won.  Wisps of smoke curl to the ceiling and escape to the dark night that has fallen.  Warmth returns.   Rich salmon is placed before me and I eat.

Many springs come to follow many winters.  I am beloved Ovog: Grandfather and have a place of honor at my son in law’s fire.  Many fat sons have been delivered of Nokaijin and I teach them the ways of the hunter, of the fisherman. I wait now, on the ice for Tabudai and Jirghadai to join me.  The sun is warm today and already the fish are coaxed to my hole.  I see their shining silver sparkle and dance as they rise to the light.  We will eat well tonight.

My eye is caught by a flash of movement out across the open sea.  I shade against the low winter sun and my eyes find her at long last.  The red of her boqtaq bobs up and down with her steps.  Waiting always, within the happy years I have spent in my daughter’s ger.   Waiting always for her to find me once more.   She has alluded me since that fateful day in the sea, but here she is at last.  She walks to me over open water and waves.  I smile, enchanted to see the rosy fat curve of her smiling cheeks once more.  My breath is filled with light.  Nohai.

My heart shudders once, a thick thud within my chest.   I drop to my knees, reaching toward Nohai.  She is at last in front of me.  Our hands clasp, eyes lock and we are joined , warm and bright as the winter sun.

I quickly shed the tattered coat of this life and rise with Nohai.

Our Legacy

Our only real legacy when we shed this life and fly for home is what we did for one another.  How well did we love?  How kind were we?  What moments of compassion or understanding did we share with one another.

And so, from this moment on when we would turn a blind eye, may we extend our hand instead, and ask:

How May I Serve?

The Promised Land

Photo by:  Walter Babinski, My American Husband
Photo by: Walter Babinski, My American Husband

“Raise your words, not your voice.  It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”  Rumi

“There’s a new world somewhere, they call the promised land”.  These words have echoed in my mind, unbidden, on many occasions in the past few years like some echoed message from the ethers, always making me just stand up and pay attention.   I am not one to latch onto the movement that is afoot that talks about the coming Ascension, DNA activation, Galactic councils or 5th Dimension stuff.  This is not to say these things are not real, just that they are not resonating with me at this point.  Who knows… tomorrow I may wake up with a whole new understanding about the situation, but for now I can only go by what my own experience has brought me.

There is a shift happening.  Most definitely. I have no label for it, but here is what I am experiencing as the times change.   I see archaic systems of government and business begin to exhibit greater and greater nastiness, ultimately to crumble.  On a personal level I feel it in the way time sometimes seems to jump, past present future all balled up into one.  I find myself having waves of sheer euphoria and connection and then on the opposite end of the spectrum, waves of desperation and fear.  It feels like all of the old ego based stuff is bubbling to the surface so that it can finally be evicted for good.  Relationships that have reached their expiry date are falling away with little or no effort.  New relationships are forming with people who seem to have like minds and spirits.   It is all very subtle, and yet not so subtle and it seems that once I turn my attention to what is happening it comes much more clearly into focus.

It appears to me that the earth is making the shift from fear into love.  We are nearly at critical mass where we reach that perfect Tipping Point and humanity will be brought into a new paradigm where love, integrity, authenticity and compassion are the norm and fear, greed, competition and avarice are left behind.  Sounds idyllic, don’t you think?  Spiritual teacher Matt Kahn calls it the Love Revolution, and while I am usually not much into labels, this one is pretty awesome, so I am just going to go ahead and borrow it.  Thanks Matt!

The Love Revolution begins with such simple steps.  We start to hold kindness and compassion in our hearts instead of judgment and fear.  Our words fall like gentle rain, they don’t resound like thunder.  We realize how important it is to love ourselves first, and that love becomes the message we bring to the world.  After awhile we notice that our energetic vibrations become the ones that uplift an entire room when we walk in.  People are suddenly drawn to us and want to be near, though they don’t know why.

And then things begin to occur to us.  Things like, Wow this is a mighty big waste of sweet Mother Earth putting all of this lawn here.  What say we dig that up and plant some seeds and grow some food.  That way we get good, organic food to eat plus we stop wasting water on growing grass and stop supporting the senseless shipping of food from places so very far away.  A local economy begins to make so much sense to us, and wait just one minute! Let’s stick some solar panels on the roof and see if we can’t begin to get off this nasty fossil fuel energy grid.

Tell me the truth.  Am I turning into a hippy?

Yeah.  I thought so.

We all chose to come to earth at this most interesting time in our evolution as humans.  We are spiritual beings having a human experience and we are waking up to this fact in droves.  And as we awaken we begin to remember that we are all connected and that collaboration and cooperation are the only things that make sense.  Competition becomes irrelevant as we follow our hearts and are guided to compassion and kindness.  We begin to be led by the workings of our hearts and not by the thinking of our minds.  And as we shift  our perception, this new energy joins with the great invisible grid of connection that we are all plugged into and we elevate the hearts of everyone else.

If the only thing you do in a day is to follow your own joy, then understand that you have done enough.  Your role can be as easy as that. Or if you really want to join in the fun, just simply reach your hand out and see who needs to grasp it.  There will always be someone reaching back.

Just ask Tom Springfield and The Seekers.

There’s a new world somewhere
They call The Promised Land
And I’ll be there some day
If you will hold my hand
I still need you there beside me
No matter what I do
For I know I’ll never find another you

It is a Love Revolution, baby! Let’s Dance!

Reflections

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?”  Rumi

Have you ever noticed how patterns in life will keep repeating until we finally “get it”? For me this was never as apparent as when my family and I moved to another city, far far away.  I left behind a lot of great friends, but also a few toxic relationships and I was ready for a nice, shiny, new start.

Imagine my surprise when the exact same toxic relationships showed up, disguised as other people. It was nearly comical, the week I started my new job and began to see the character traits blooming.   Oh wow.  Shirley is my new Back Stabbing Dawn.  Jake is my new Lascivious Larry.   And OH NO Clarissa is clearly my new Angry Annie.  WTF, Universe?  I thought I had left those problems behind and yet here they were again, only this time even bigger caricatures of their predecessors.  Where Dawn had been sneaky and sly in her back stabbing, Shirley was openly mean.  Where Larry had been subtle with his advances, Jake was a creepy octopus.  And Clarissa’s dark cloud of wrath made Angry Annie seem like a ray of sunshine.

Recognizing the repeating patterns was my first step in breaking these toxic relationships that kept developing in my world.   Once the pattern was recognized I was able to determine what lesson this person/relationship was here to teach.  Why did these annoying people keep showing up?  If I could just figure out what part of me they were polishing, maybe I could get the rubbing to stop.

I have come to realize that being a people pleaser, I tend to attract those inch/mile people who have no sense of boundaries.   So I set some boundaries.  I learned to calmly, gently but firmly speak my mind and even realized that “No” is a complete sentence.  Personal growth in leaps and bounds, right?  Now those annoying boundary pushers would leave me alone.  Lesson learned… let’s move on.

But no.  Seems the same “types” are still finding me, and it seems with each new representative they have become ever more extreme in their behaviors.  I continue to set my boundaries, but they keep showing up, leaping the fence, rubbing up against me until I am raw from their incessant polishing.

So what?  Were there more lessons to learn?  And if so, what could they be?  Bigger boundaries?  Going on the offensive, being rude?  Ending relationships?  Becoming a hermit?

Getting still and silent one day, I heard the whisper of wisdom.  Speaking my truth and setting boundaries was one lesson.  But the true lesson went far beyond.  The cold hard truth was that I was being judgmental.  If somebody wasn’t fitting within the sterile parameters of my idea of what was acceptable, I was shutting them out. Ouch.  Truth bomb.

The true, spiritual lesson was that I needed to break down my own barriers and build a sanctuary of acceptance.  Maybe the Annie’s, Larry’s and others simply had a different sense of what was proper, socially acceptable behavior than I had.  Being different did not make them wrong.  Maybe my feelings of discomfort came because they were here to help me to stop keeping myself detached from life.   Maybe the real lesson was to love, unconditionally, in real and tangible ways and not just talk about it.  Maybe – just maybe –  I needed to walk the talk…live the talk, and break down the barriers I had built between me and my true Self.

My new practice is simple.  I accept whoever comes my way.  If they are angry, petty or gossip, I don’t react, but send them loving kindness.  I respond with gentleness and quiet acceptance and the results have been nearly miraculous.  The people who have come to polish my mirror reflect to me the things about myself that I have hidden away, secret shames and fears.  At first these relationships taught me how to have a better human experience.  Now they teach me how to have a better spiritual experience.  They shine and polish my mirror so that I can be the clear, divine love that I am meant to be.

And when they finally gaze into the mirror that they have helped to polish, they too get a glimpse of their eternal nature as I reflect back to them their own light.

The Love Revolution

“May you live in interesting times.” Ancient Chinese Curse

“There’s a new world somewhere, they call the promised land”.  These words have echoed in my mind, unbidden, on many occasions in the past few years like some echoed message from the ethers, always making me just stand up and pay attention.   I am not one to latch onto the movement that is afoot that talks about the coming Ascension, DNA activation, Galactic councils or 5th Dimension stuff.  This is not to say these things are not real, just that they are not resonating with me at this point.  Who knows… tomorrow I may wake up with a whole new understanding about the situation, but for now I can only go by what my own experience has brought me.

There is a shift happening.  Most definitely. I have no label for it, but here is what I am experiencing as the times change.   I see archaic systems of government and business begin to exhibit greater and greater nastiness, ultimately to crumble.  On a personal level I feel it in the way time sometimes seems to jump, past present future all balled up into one.  I find myself having waves of sheer euphoria and connection and then on the opposite end of the spectrum, waves of desperation and fear.  It feels like all of the old ego based stuff is bubbling to the surface so that it can finally be evicted for good.  Relationships that have reached their expiry date are falling away with little or no effort.  New relationships are forming with people who seem to have like minds and spirits.   It is all very subtle, and yet not so subtle and it seems that once I turn my attention to what is happening it comes much more clearly into focus. 

It appears to me that the earth is making the shift from fear into love.  We are nearly at critical mass where we reach that perfect Tipping Point and humanity will be brought into a new paradigm where love, integrity, authenticity and compassion are the norm and fear, greed, competition and avarice are left behind.  Sounds idyllic, don’t you think?  Spiritual teacher Matt Kahn calls it the Love Revolution, and while I am usually not much into labels, this one is pretty awesome, so I am just going to go ahead and borrow it.  Thanks Matt!

The Love Revolution begins with such simple steps.  We start to hold kindness and compassion in  our hearts instead of judgment and fear.  We begin to love ourselves first, and that love becomes the message we bring to the world.  After awhile we notice that our energetic vibrations become the ones that uplift an entire room when we walk in.  People are suddenly drawn to us and want to be near, though they don’t know why. 

And then things begin to occur to us.  Things like, Wow this is a mighty big waste of sweet Mother Earth putting all of this lawn here.  What say we dig that up and plant some seeds and grow some food.  That way we get good, organic food to eat plus we stop wasting water on growing grass and stop supporting the senseless shipping of food from places so very far away.  A local economy begins to make so much sense to us, and wait just one minute! Let’s stick some solar panels on the roof and see if we can’t begin to get off this nasty fossil fuel energy grid. 

Tell me the truth.  Am I turning into a hippy?

Yeah.  I thought so.

We all chose to come to earth at this most interesting time in our evolution as humans.  We are spiritual beings having a human experience and we are waking up to this fact in droves.  And as we awaken we begin to remember that we are all connected and that collaboration and cooperation are the only things that make sense.  Competition becomes irrelevant as we follow our hearts and are guided to compassion and kindness.  We begin to be led by the workings of our hearts and not by the thinking of our minds.  And as we shift  our perception, this new energy joins with the great invisible grid of connection that we are all plugged into and we elevate the hearts of everyone else. 

If the only thing you do in a day is to follow your own joy, then understand that you have done enough.  Your role can be as easy as that. Or if you really want to join in the fun, just simply reach your hand out and see who needs to grasp it.  There will always be someone reaching back. 

Just ask Tom Springfield and The Seekers.

There’s a new world somewhere
They call The Promised Land
And I’ll be there some day
If you will hold my hand
I still need you there beside me
No matter what I do
For I know I’ll never find another you

 It is a Love Revolution, baby! Let’s Dance!