Confessions of a Control Freak

I came crashing through 2015, successfully navigating a year of craziness and tumult.  2016 dawned and I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking the mayhem was over and now things might settle down a bit.  I made a plan.  I would simplify.  Slow down.  Focus on what I love.  Maybe even nap once in awhile.

Want to know how to make God laugh?  Tell Her your plans.

Sure enough, the universe had other plans.  Within a week of the new year my life began to move in fast forward.  A new job, more clients,  new partnership opportunities, added volunteer commitments and on and on…. the big wheel keeps on spinning, faster and faster.  It is exhilarating, but when the heck do I get to nap?

And then the other shoe dropped.  My American Husband got laid off.  His job, linked just a bit too closely to the oil industry, is on temporary hiatus.  Or it may be permanent.  We won’t know for a few months.

After regaining our breath from this particular  sucker punch, the voice of reason kicked in.  We talked about what a great opportunity this may turn out to be.  This could be the perfect time to recreate our lives!  We could start a business… write a screenplay… maybe sell everything and become RV nomads, wandering the continental North America in search of adventure, or whatever comes our way.

Or maybe the Great Divine has something else in mind.  The lesson buried in this is one I have been facing over and over in the past several years.  And for a control freak like me, it is a challenging one.

I need to learn to trust.

That’s right.  I need to let go and just trust that something better is on its way.  My ego loves to step in and start organizing, managing options, making lists and flow charts, and basically giving the Universe my versions of how things should turn out.  We’ve come upon a blind corner on our life’s journey and I really want to figure out what is around the bend.

But I need to let all of that go.  I need to trust.

Oh shut up, voice-of-reason!  What do you know?

Just let it go.  Let it go….. (you can’t see me right now, but I am humming and swaying, hands in zen meditation mudras)

So I will do my best to let go and trust that things are breaking apart now so that they can come back together bigger, stronger, better than before.  I will trust that we are being guided to the next big thing.  Life is a constant flow of change and growth, and even though I can’t see around the corner, I know that this time of uncertainty holds treasures that I am already grateful for.

Because I can trust.

No you can’t.

Shh.  Yes I can.

This is me.  Letting go.

7 thoughts on “Confessions of a Control Freak”

  1. OMG! Great read, and I totally get it. Crazy year already for me, too. Tried holing up in my place like a hermit but that doesn’t help either! Haha.

    I know things will improve though. Hang in there!

    1. 2016 is going to be fun… and challenging in the best possible ways (she said, hopefully) 😉 Thanks Aphrodite. It’s great to know I am not alone.

  2. 1 – The Goddess is a Bitch – but don’t tell her I said that.
    2 – “Wadd’ya mean, there’s no parachute?”
    3 – That pile of gravel you see in front of me is not from me digging my heels in and kicking and screaming all the way.
    4 – Fine!

  3. So beautifully shared, dear Brenda Ann. As a bit of a ‘control freak’ myself I can so relate! In my yoga classes we do a pose called “Message of Shiva” (who comes to destroy the old to make way for the new…. How we love Shiva. haha) Anyway we stand first on the right leg (knee unlocked), with left foot tucked gently behind right ankle – right hand/palm faces forward, elbow at 90 degrees, left hand/palm/ fingertips gently face Mother Earth with arm loose at side of body. Then we affirm: I face my challenges with mercy, compassion and trust. (Then we repeat on other leg.) This always gives me a feeling of stability and belief in the magic of the unfolding. Look forward to hearing more about your journey. xx

  4. Great post. I have certainly been faced with this after leaving my home Nov. 1, 2012 and leaping into the unknown, on the road now for 171 weeks with no certain income or home. But I think it is a balance between the two….we are guided after letting go, and then we jump in to organize and make plans to support that guidance….a flow, a give and take, without attachment.

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